Senior Management Roles in US Government – jobs suddenly available

Senior management vacancies - suddenly available right now (various locations, all in the US)

Re-numeration: 80,000 – 120,000 Meme Coin - minus benefits

Hours: Yes

Suitable for angry, scared and resentful individuals who don’t waste time on critical thinking. This role will provide plenty of opportunities for revenge and power trips. You will be told exactly what to say and will be provided resources to conduct your own research on.

Required skills:

• Being Male (At birth and currently)

• If you are non-Caucasian or non-straight, or even, worst case, a woman, then you must make up for that in advanced anger skills and cutting-edge hypocrisy

• Preferred social media must be Truth Social or X (Referring to this as Twitter is immediate rejection)

• Xenophobia an advantage, even if you don't fully know what that means

• Must be a True Patriot - provide supporting convictions and how far you got on Jan 6th 2021

• Must have over 88,000 online followers, 90% of which can be bots

• Ownership of a high-end podcast microphone is preferred along with a wall mounted firearm which is to be visible in all video conference calls.

In your job application, include your aims in a twelve-word phrase or four word slogan

Picture credit: WIX AI + deskpilot

Elon Musk's accomplishments

Elon Musk has asked all US government employees (except the ones already on gardening leave) to list their accomplishments, or face the sack.

In an unusual act of reciprocity, Elon's office has set out his recent achievements, which are as follows:

  •  I got my dad to lend me million dollars to start a company - how many of you have done that, huh?

  •  I won a chainsaw from Argentina.

  •  I got everyone’s personal data from US government records – useful for the X algorithms

  •  I’m supporting far right parties in Europe, although I can’t remember why

  •  I blew up a number of SpaceX rockets to distract attention away from Jeff Bezos

  •  I’m working to save Twitter, by wrecking TikTok

  •  I will have a successful car company, if I can get tariffs imposed on my Chinese competitors

  •  I’m in good with Donald, which gets me favourable treatment on lots of things

  •  I’m promoting free speech on X, especially mine

Picture credit: Wix AI

BBC to be funded by Twitter Verified status

With the licence fee unlikely to be extended beyond FY 26/27, the BBC is searching for ways to fund itself.  'Obviously advertising isn't going to work,' a corporation spokesman stated, noting the decline in advertising revenue globally that would only be diluted by the BBC entering the party.  It was thought that making the taxpayer fund the broadcaster was the solution - practically the same as a licence fee but just not pretending the licence isn't a tax.  But then it was noted that Sky owner, Rupert Murdoch, appeared to support the idea.  'So that's off the table, then,' said the spokesman.

A subscription model has been discussed, but it is thought to be as successful as running a Premier football team without a shady oligarch funding the 95% shortfall in costs being covered, or not covered, by ticket sales.  'Shame really, as some of our staff are paid like Premier League footballers, especially as some of them used to be Premier League footballers,' he added.

'We did consider the GB News model - spout fascist propaganda 24/7, employ horrible, nasty presenters and market mainly hate, but to be fair Laura Kuenssberg is already filling that role and then you're back to the 95% of costs needed to be covered by a shady oligarch,' he said.

'So, we've decided to invest £8 a month for a verified blue tick - it actually wasn't the BBC who got the verified tick, it was a made up person called @brian0999945733745 who got it - and all our content is going to run on Twitter and Musk will pay, pay, pay,' said the Spokesman.  

'We're not doing it on Facebook, though.  That would be really lowering ourselves.  We've got standards,' he lied.