Twitter | NewsBiscuit 3/18

Fury at BMW on empty motorway

SimonJMr
Jun 27

A picture of a car 'hogging' the motorway middle lane at 5am has kicked off a row online. The picture shows a car in the middle lane on the M5 seemingly completely alone, with no other vehicles anywhere to be seen.

Frustrated by the white BMW driver, thousands have taken to Twitter to complain, raging that drivers should keep to the left and speculating that maybe the driver was a drug dealer or up to “no good”.

One enraged Twitter user “Furiosa27” said, 'it’s just like Mad Max out there, how the hell can he afford the petrol for that thing, he must be selling drugs, or organs or something.'

'I bet he’s a right c@nt - he’s hogging the whole motorway - bloody Beamer drivers,' said @rokatansky49.

'He hasn’t even used his winkers once when changing lane,' said @auntieentity39.

First published 27 June 2022

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Reform Council Cuts Funding To Noah

James_doc
May 28

As part of their attempts to cut local government waste, and to get a like from Elon Musk on Twitter, Lincolnshire County Council has suspended funding to a local shipwright for what they describe as, 'a woke waste of public money.'

Standing at his slipway near Mablethorpe, Noah Abraham looks down at the keel of his 'Animal Rescuing Ketch' and sighs. 'It's such a shame,' he tells us. 'They said the only deity they worship is Nigel Farage, and he's not given the instruction to build a vessel, so I'm officially cancelled, along with the Pride festival and Employment Rights training.'

At County Hall, a Reform Party spokesman defended the cuts, saying, 'Mr Abraham's project was yet another example of the waste that Reform Councils will be cutting through. Lincolnshire is clearly at no risk of flooding, so long as we take the time to stand on the beach at Skegness and order the tide to turn. And if it were to flood, we'd all simply get in small boats, sail up the coast a bit, and get put up in five-star hotels.'

Elaborating on the rejection of Noah's scheme, he continued. 'When we looked at his plan, it was entirely unworkable, as we simply cannot afford two of every animal. However, many of our councillors did approve of the idea that a future world would be populated by a single bloodline. After all, keeping your family close is par for the course in the wolds, which also explains why many local children start school being able to count to eleven.'

Nigel Farage was not available for comment without paying him £50 to give an answer via Cameo.

Image credit: stable diffusion

Musk bans anyone who disagrees with his free speech policy from Twitter

apepper
Apr 29

Elon Musk has announced that he has started to take control at Twitter by banning any user who disagrees with his free speech policy.

'I'm all about free speech and anyone who disagrees with that, can literally shut up and go away,' said a bullish Mr Musk.

Mr Musk has also announced that he is working on a book entitled 'The speech you are free to have'.

First published 29 April 2022