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Conservatives mistakenly vote to 'review' the body which might find them guilty of their misdeeds

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



The last barely functioning thing vaguely still working in the UK has been placed under review for a damn good dismantling. The standards committee which probes unseemly probing by members has itself been probed by Conservative MPs, including a number who are themselves under 'probation' by that very committee.


Roughly one quarter of MPs who voted for fewer standards have themselves previously been found guilty by the committee of skullduggery above and beyond the call of duty. Which begs the question: Only a quarter of them?


When a Prime Minister goes to the lengths of unsuspending an MP or two who the standards committee currently deem too dubious to be in public office, and does so for the specific purpose that they vote against the standards committee, then the stench of the oxymoron rather stings the nostrils. Avoiding the danger of permanent deselection from their own constituencies is merely a happy bonus no one should worry their pretty little heads over.


Despite a three line whip being strictly imposed on Conservative MPs, a fact strenuously denied by BBC News, many rebels rebelliously abstained, meaning that the vote was more of a squeaker than rigged for.


A spokes-cad for the rebels pointed out, 'Well of course we had to rebel in that glorious and heroic way where we do absolutely nothing. I don't think colleagues and so-called friends on our side of the aisle properly understand the mistake here. Our current leader and his Cabinet are so utterly hapless that there is a very real danger they hamfistedly and unintentionally create a replacement for the standards committee which accidentally has teeth.'


'Can you imagine what would happen? That would leave us all on a rather sticky wicket of our own making. And without any chums to bail each other out by insisting we are 'good eggs', we'd all be caught with our trousers down and our fondlers in the 'on the take' jar. No, far better to have a committee which only catches some of us out some of the time. We know where we stand with that and how to completely get away with it.'






Bezos commits to saving world once he owns it all

Updated: Dec 22, 2021



Billionaire Jeff Bezos has announced to the politicians and campaigners at the COP26 climate change summit that he will take over saving the world from them, once the entirety of the planet's real estate is in his possession.


"On my recent flight into space - I flew into space by the way, did you know? yeah it was great - anyway, I looked down on the earth from above" said the Amazon boss "and I thought: so much of that belongs to someone else. My properties are just about visible from space, but they looked so small and fragile. It was clear that I needed to take action. By which I mean, every year I'm going to spend about 0.5% of my wealth stopping climate change .And use the rest of it to buy the land from under your feet. And seabed mineral rights, don't forget them! There's so much ocean! You really notice that from space, you see."

Despite critics saying that Amazon's business model encourages rampant resource-depleting consumerism, Bezos rejected calls for change at his company, noting that "if we don't mine the earth to pieces to make more Kindles and TVs, where's the money going to come from to save it?"






Vince Cable resigns, having taken Liberals 'as far as he can'



Twenty-four hours after becoming leader of the Liberal Democrats, Vince Cable has resigned his position saying that he has taken the party to the limit of its potential and it was now time for someone else to take up the reins.

'It has been a roller coaster ride,' said Cable 74; 'there have been great highs and great lows, but I feel that the day after I became leader is the right time to quit as I have nothing more I can offer.'


Cable won the coveted position after a tightly fought race between himself and no other candidates, at a time when the Liberal Party was still reeling from a disastrous general election performance. He promised 'change, renewal and hope', but in the end it was just a question of helping himself to a few packets of post-it notes from the stationery cupboard and then slipping out the back.


‘I wish my successor every good fortune,’ said Cable. ‘I leave this party one day older but otherwise pretty much the same.’ A new leader will be chosen by exhaustive ballot as soon as someone else cracks and agrees to do it


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