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Your new house share inmate not fitting in how you hoped she might

Updated: Dec 7, 2021



Your new house share, Donna, has become a nightmare, although when she came to view the room just three weeks ago, she seemed to be a perfect fit for you, Tony and Maria.


However alarm bells began to ring within three hours of her having moved in when you detected a musty smell coming from her room. After tapping politely on the door, but to no avail, you coughed loudly and turned the handle. Your heart sank immediately as you found her dancing stark-naked in front of a little mini-temple. Joss sticks were scenting the air with pungent patchouli oil incense.


Your concern intensified as she seemed quite at ease with her nudity. ‘Hi Simon, no, please don’t apologise, I’m cleansing the room's negative thoughts and feelings. Probably just leftover memories from the last tenant’s chakras. Why not get naked and join me,’ she suggested.


Of course you refused but since then things have become even worse. She continually plays Tibetan Nose Flute music at all hours and has commandeered the second shelf in the fridge, insisting that none of you contaminate her ‘special food’ with your Tesco chill-cook ready meals and non-vegan cheeses.


She’s out for the day at some kind of meditation course, and after an emergency house meeting you have been elected to serve notice when she comes back. It’s going to be awkward but as Tony said: ‘Letting the room to Maria's Mum after a messy divorce was always going to be a bit of a fifty-fifty call.’






Cock and balls to be an official option on election ballot

Updated: Nov 28, 2021



The Electoral Reform Society has introduced an extra choice on all election ballot papers: a cock and balls.

‘To be honest, some people make a right balls-up of spoiling their ballot paper, and truly cock it up,’ said society chairman Chris Johnson. ‘Counters are tired of continually having to ask if the mark is a protest or a cartoon of Michael Gove.’


Opponents to the decision point to the newly formed Cock and Balls Party, set up with the aim of ‘shafting the electorate at every opportunity.’


‘Their logo is also a cock and balls, which means they might gain some votes by mistake,’ said one Tory MP. ‘And anyway, shafting the electorate is what we’re here for.’





COP26: A Delegate's Guide

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



Morning Queues


What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.


Speeches


Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.


The Green Zone


A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.


Informal Gatherings


A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.


The Delusional Lounge


A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.





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