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MPs voted out to be released into the wild




The government is planning help for MPs who lose their lucrative jobs to make the transition into normal life.


The scheme is being heralded as making being an MP more attractive but is a widely seen as a thinly veiled admission that a lot of Tories, particularly in the north, will soon be adding to the unemployable stats.


Consultants are being employed to teach ex MPs skills such shouting, “Big Issue” or simply standing behind a counter and asking “Do you want fries with that?”


The scheme will not be available to MPs who step down. They will been deemed to have made themselves redundant and as such they will not be eligible for benefits, but will be given the services of a ghost writer to knock out a few trashy novels.


A similar scheme was being developed for ex PMs and Cabinet Ministers but was scrapped when it became obvious that the numbers were simply too high.

MPs to be required to ‘sign in’ once a fortnight like dole claimants

Empty benches in the House of Commons and a new game called ‘Where’s Boris?’ have led to calls for MPs to be required to prove that they are ‘available for government’ every two weeks.


'I know it’s a shitshow', said a spokesman 'and you might think we’re better off without people like Boris Johnson and Liz Truss, but they’re being paid 84 grand just to turn up and snooze. It’s only 30 weeks a year for Christ’s sake, even schoolkids have to put in more time'.


Jacob Rees-Mogg was unavailable for comment - which is odd, considering his obsession with getting civil servants back to the office.


Westminster staff have defended the move, pointing out that ‘in a little over a year quite a few current MPs will find themselves actually unemployed. They should treat this as a dummy run, given that many of them are literally unemployable’.


image from pixabay

Man standing outside station with a sign snags job as NHS chief executive


Only a few month’s ago, Brian Mitchell’s life looked bleak. He had been recently sacked from his street sweeping job and was struggling to feed himself and make ends meet.


Desperate for work, Brian pitched himself outside Westminster Underground Station, carrying a sign that said: “My name is Brian. Give me money so I can eat. Or a job. Whatever.”


Within an hour, Brian found himself in charge of the entire NHS.


“A nice man called Sajid said he liked my initiative and would I like to be put in charge of all of Britain’s public healthcare? That we he could blame me after they sacked him.”


Brian has been running the NHS for a week now and is rushing to catch up.


“I have no idea what’s going on, to be honest” he says, “but they tell me that’s pretty common. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision! Still, whenever they come to me with a major problem I always say the same thing:


Have you tried standing outside a station with a sign? Or: Have you tried banging a saucepan with a wooden spoon?


Everyone tells me I fit right in!"






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