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Hot upon the heels of turning the entire Middle East into a war zone by attacking Iran at Israel's behest, Donald Trump has agreed to give Saudi Arabia all the equipment it needs to refine material for an atomic bomb.


'Of course it's for a bomb,' chuckled a spokes-launch site for the Saudi monarchy. 'We're sitting on deep seas of oil and natural gas. Why would we want nuclear material for power stations?


'It's like this. Because Iran is building nuclear weapons, we want the technology to make them too. Then there'll be a nuclear stand-off in the Middle East between two massively brutal and unpredictable regimes.


'That's why every US leader up until now has refused to even think about giving the Saudi regime nuclear technology.


'But you know President Donald. All you have to do is hand over some money and ask.'


'It's another genius Middle East move by our president,' said a White House spokes-dimwit, 'because it means Iran will now go all out and build the atom bomb that it's spent the past 30 years tinkering about with. Then there'll be some actual nuclear warheads there for our military to blow up.'


'They'll make mushrooms clouds like you'd never believe,' crowed the US president, signing his catastrophically dumb deal with Saudi Arabia in the Oval Office. 'So never say I don't put on a show for you.'


'Are you not entertained?'


Image: WixAI



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Ace deal maker and definitely not a loser Donald Trump is working to fix the Iran War.


'It's just about making a deal,' said the President in a rare moment of lucidity on waking from his late afternoon nap. 'My new plan is to offer Iran some countries that they can have. One from the gulf, one from Europe, possibly Italy, and one from Asia. That would be a great thing for them.


'And I'm offering to keep the price of oil nice and high for them. They will earn lots of money from that.


'And I'm sending them enriched Uranium, to replace what we destroyed. That's only fair.


'And we'll help them mine the Strait of Hormuz, why not. What else would you do for your friends?


'If that's not enough to end the war, then I can throw in a few sweeteners. I'll invest in Iran. Golf courses, Trump casinos, an Iranian campus for Trump University.


'Hegseth, Netanyahu and Fox News screwed this all up, but I can fix it. I'll make the best deal of all time to end the war, win the midterms and get reelected for a third term. Iranians love me and I love them back.


'More tablets? So many tablets. Didn't I just take some? Not enough. Okay. Gimme the tablets, get me a coke and get my magic deal-making hat. Donald out.'


Image: WixAI



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Boris Johnson has entangled himself in such a shady scam that former KGB oligarchs who hold bunga bunga underage sex parties for convicted presidents are distancing themselves from him.


'I wouldn't touch him with your ten-foot barge pole,' confirmed Tupolev Onatopp, a world-leading supplier of arms to despots and weapons of mass destruction to children. 'If you think you can get away with something just because you can't say it yourself, then that is somewhat shallow. Boris Johnson has trouble saying pretty much anything in his own first language, so his argument isn't going to pull the woolly mop over anyone's eyes but his own.


'Although people refer to his new organisation as Better Earth, its full official title is Better Earth For Boris Johnson. Clearly there is nothing wrong with providing Iran with uranium, but because he denies ever having met his Canadian-Iranian business partner and top chum, that just makes the whole thing a bit more suspicious. It's your classic Eton schoolboy error. And he does have form screwing things up in Iran just by opening his flappy lie hole.


'A hot young bit of totty everyone knows you installed in the UK House of Lords also being involved in your personal business dealings is the hallmark move of your committed incompetent. What's he going to do next? Gift my firstborn another life peerage to win me over? There simply aren't enough over-sized fridges in the world for this idiot to hide in.


'I did once admire his personal loyalty to filthy Russian money. But incompetence coagulates with incompetence. At least the total f*ck up that is Steve Bannon is not involved in this fiasco. What's that, Sergei? Oh. OK. Sergei says I should retract that statement.


'When you've got yourself involved in a shell company within a shell company within a shell company, all owned by undisclosed offshore entities around the world, then that's obviously a post political career payoff mechanism to launder your dirty in-office dealings. One imagines he'll be calling his old pal David Cameron for advice on how to pull out of sticky situations.'



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