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FBI definitely going to raid Bill Clinton…maybe


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Having targeted the illegal activities of Donald Trump, the FBI said it was a matter of days until they investigated the other criminal Presidents – if by days, you meant eons. Be it George W. lying about WMD, Bill Clinton’s sex trafficking or Obama for the crime of being a massive disappointment; the FBI insisted they would bring them all to justice. Sorry did we say ‘justice’. We meant Disney World. The FBI would bring them to Disney World.


Said one FBI officer: ‘Raiding Donald Trump’s house is easy, because he looks guilty. Whereas George W. looks like a lovable chimp. Trump tried to overthrow democracy – something that Richard Nixon never tried to do’.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/

All Russian homes and streets to get state sponsored patio heaters


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In a bold move to show Western Europe and the US how little economic sanctions have affected Russia, Vladimir Putin today announces that to utilise the ever increase stockpiles of Russian gas, the state will provide every citizen, street, hamlet and road their own patio heater.


To mock the wests refusal to use Russian gas, whilst claiming that millions of citizens will face fuel poverty, the newly installed patio heaters will be switched on 24/7/365 in a move that is intended to give every part of Russia “a balmy July evening in the Med feeling” that will be the envy of the whole world, the scheme will also be offered to their allies and close neighbours.


Putin also unveiled that the surplus of gas will also mean that all Russians will receive an LPG dividend, and that work is underway to show how easily homegrown Russian LPG can be used to feed the nation, a cook book called “Cooking with gas - 1001 recipes that use LPG” will be produced.


Some war crimes are more 'crimey' than others



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With alleged massacres in the Ukraine, the US was quick to label it a war crime, as it takes one to know one: 'Admittedly we've always said the ICC has no jurisdiction and we'd invade the Hague if they investigated our own war crimes, but you know...that was last year and...um...stuff...you know?' With none of the key members of the UN Security Council actual signatories to the ICC, it makes it a little hard to cry wolf when you have been called Wolfy McWolfFace. The US insisted: 'If it happens to white Christians, it's a crime. If it happens to brown folks, it's a reallocation of oil reserves'.



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