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US Weather Service advises looking out the window

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The US Weather Service has taken some stick for failing to warn Texas residents about the risk of flash floods.


However, despite some serious Doge-inflicted staffing cuts, the Weather Service is still gamely trying to do its job. They have issued the following advice:


  • The best predictor of tomorrow’s weather is today’s weather. Fact.


  • If you hang up seaweed outside your house and it gets washed away, then worry.


  • Mackerel sky, twenty four hours dry.  Mackerel on the carpet, time to evacuate.


  • Take extra care if you live somewhere known as Flash Flood Alley


  • Don’t believe everything you see on social media. Sometimes looking out the window is better.


  • When dew is on the grass, rain will never come to pass.  When dew is on the carpet, get out the house before you cark it.


  • When the wind is in the East, check your insurance hasn’t ceased.


  • You’re never going to get rid of the smell of damp carpet.


  • In an emergency, get out fast, despite your urge to stay and film it all for TikTok


And


  • Why not subscribe to our privately funded weather service?




US seizes control of entire back garden paddling pool

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In a coordinated attack, the US military has taken full and complete control of a small inflatable unicorn.


White House officials in optimum brag mode confirmed a great conquest. 'Operation Playpit has been a total success, requiring the combined force of 40,000 armed soldiers, 8 cavalry units, 200 military aircraft, a fleet of Pacific battle cruisers, and the sum of all CIA, NSA, FBI and ICE intelligence.


'The strategic gains of this glorious victory are immeasurable.


'We now have absolute domination over a significant part of US soil. As you can see from the map behind me, the swingball set will be in our possession by sundown, and the trampoline will be fully surrounded as early as next week.


'There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever of a list on the fridge door held in place by a strawberry flavoured magnet.


'There have been losses. And we must raise the debt ceiling a further five trillion dollars. But this is the price we must pay for these vast gains, striking at the heart of our Californian enemy.'


A neighbour who witnessed the siege confirmed, 'The family's pet hamster kept the US military at bay all through the night. At one point she had them pinned down, but eventually succumbed to the onset of daylight.


'It could have been much worse. There could've been water in the paddling pool.'



World endures 24-hour salvo of gloating from Trump


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'I came, I bombed, I made everlasting peace everywhere,' bragged Trump to two dozen images of himself reflected in the lenses of television cameras in the Oval Office.


'No one makes bigglier peace deals than me,' he crowed, as a billion TV viewers hurled shoes at their screens in exasperation.


'And after I flattened Oslo with my personal fleet of Boast-2 bombers, people are saying I'm a shoo-in for the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize. They're already saying it'll be the last Peace Prize ever awarded, because we won't need any others after this.'


'We need regime change," said the Ayatollah Khameini, pulling out clumps of his beard in fury, 'because America has become a rotten, corrupt theocracy with a supreme leader who does nothing but worship himself.'

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