New American Pope to impose tariffs on other religions

In his first act as Pope, the American Robert Francis Prevost has declared that he will impose tariffs on other religions competing with the Catholic Church for the devotion of followers.

‘We need to reset the religious economy, put our church first and Make Catholicism Great Again’, he said, pulling a branded ‘MCGA’ mitre onto his head.

‘Any non Catholics visiting the Vatican City will face tariffs of 120%,’ he declared, unveiling a white board setting out the tariffs that will apply to each religion. ‘ We're making an exemption for Buddhists who will only pay 10% as no one can seriously consider them a threat.’

Other innovations expected from the first American Pope include the construction of a wall around the Vatican City to control immigration, and a new Climate Change Denial initiative which will see the year-round emission of both white and black smoke from all papal buildings.

In his final word at his first press conference, the Pope confirmed he hadn’t ruled out sending cardinals to Greenland to capture the territory by force

story by @herculepoisson

Photo by Coronel G on Unsplash

Forget smoke... as new Pope will be announced to the sound of Deep Purple Classic

In a move that’s being seen as very much a break with tradition, the election of the new Pope will not be heralded with white smoke.

Instead, rock guitar virtuoso, Steve Vai, will play the opening riff from Deep Purple’s iconic anthem, Smoke On The Water, from the much-misnamed balcony overlooking St Peter’s Square. Already, a wildly gyrating mosh pit comprising faithful pilgrims and tourists has formed below the window in anticipation of the iconic moment.

It’s understood Deep Purple’s management has given the nod for the song to be renamed Smoke From The Altar with proceeds from the resulting DVD and streaming sales being used to buy a Banksy for the currently only unadorned wall in the Sistine Chapel.

A Vatican spokesman, Monsignor Dougal Maguire, commented. 'Now let’s see the naysayers and contrary feckers accuse the church of being out of touch.'

Photo by Adam Gritco on Unsplash

Only the Lib Dems can win here

Lib Dem campaigners have descended on the Vatican with their familiar orange placards. ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here,’ warn the activists, wiggling their placards in a mildly threatening, yet inclusive, way.

The statistics are convincing. Based on a re-analysis of general elections in the UK since WW2, alongside a re-imagining of local government and mayoral elections since 1966, and a highly defensible and academically rigorous translation of those results onto past papal elections, it is abundantly clear that only the Lib Dems can win.

A spokesman told us, ‘Only the Lib Dems can beat the right-wing traditionalist candidates to be Pope. And only the Lib Dems can beat the left-wing modernising namby-pamby candidates to be Pope. If elected, we will change the papal colours from purple to orange, as it’s more sustainable. Make sure you are in Saint Peter’s Square at 2pm today – Ed Davey is doing a truly hilarious stunt.’

When questioned, the spokesman seemed unclear who the Lib Dem candidate was, but did forcefully reiterate that ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here’.

Image: WixAI