That G20 declaration on Ukraine, in full

Ukraine is a country. Russia is a country too. No country should attack defenceless grain without good reason. Oil is fine. Death is bad, from any cause - road accidents, listeria, overdoing it at the tanning salon, leading a full scale military rebellion with your private army then stopping that rebellion then mysteriously dying in an unrelated plane crash two months later, whatever. It's all bad. Nobody likes it. Zelensky is a President. Putin is a President. There is a kind of butter called President. Live long and be happy.

Love to everyone.

Yours, the G20

Image: Taylor Flowe (@taypaigey) | Unsplash Photo Community

Putin looking at moving to a Bungalow

Due to the recent defenestration outbreak in Russian and surrounding Oligarch properties, Putin was seen leafing through single story property brochures. Using the excuse that having another floor is a decadent western excess and stairs are for Nazis, Putin wants to always remain at ground level rather than being accelerated into it at 9.81 meters per second. There are only so many trampolines, inflatable ball pits and old mattresses that can be positioned under windows around his dacha before a burnt-out Lada on bricks wouldn’t look out of place.

A source stated that a large dining room for Putin’s preferred table is also essential.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Putin ‘quivering’ in fear over Sunak slurs

Vladimir Putin has tasked his spy agencies with attempting to infiltrate CCHQ to find out what stinging epithets Rishi Sunak might have planned for him.

‘When Vladimir heard that the Leader of the Opposition in the Mother of Parliaments had been called “Sir Softie” he went white’, a spokesman said. ‘Putin is tough – very tough – but in the face of such genius he has no defences. He would rather wrestle with a tiger than face the famous British wit’.

A focus group spent several days brainstorming the “Sir Softie” line. Conservative clubs around the country are selling mugs and tea towels branded with the line, though we’d suggest waiting until May 2024 to buy one – they’re bound to be cheaper in the closing down sale.

Winston Churchill’s ghost is said to have stopped haunting Westminster now that he has a worthy successor. Some Shakespeare scholars have switched allegiance to Sunak, though – as with the bard himself – there is considerable debate about whether Rishi wrote the brilliant line himself. ‘I heard that Sunak only wrote part of the line, though whether that was the “Sir” or the “Softie” I can’t say’, a spokesman for the Conservative Party said.

Whoever crafted the line, we can only imagine the despair which Keir Starmer must be feeling right now – and his terror at what lies in wait for him next Wednesday. The Mother of Parliaments indeed.

www.newsbiscuit.com