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Following its unexpectedly strong showing in the Kingswood and Wellingborough by-elections, experts think they have identified the secret of the Reform (formerly Brexit) Party’s success.


'We’ve run the numbers, carried out surveys and focus groups, and the answer is clear. What appeals to the British public is to have one policy, which is to call for something that’s happened already.'


It’s thought that this insight might be capitalised on by other parties, who may start declaring themselves in favour of the millennium, the 1944 eruption of Vesuvius or the last ice age.


'Of course, one shouldn’t discount the appeal of the name Reform, which appeals to everyone’s vague sense that things could be better without the tedious necessity of spelling out what, or how you would achieve it.


'And let’s not forget, these were by-elections, in which a seaside donkey standing for the Less Fat Children Party would probably get votes, if it seemed like a risk-free way to give the government a kicking.'



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‘You are stale old Tories,’ the young voter said,

‘And your policies are all very thin;

And yet you incessantly big them all up—

Because there are voters to win.’


‘In my youth,’ said the Tory, remembering hard,

‘We feared that the workers would riot

But with pub prices low now and lots on TV

I am sure they will stay pretty quiet.’


‘You won’t save the planet,’ the young voter said,

‘Your policies simply aren’t green

You keep burning coal and you licence new mines

And your search for new oil is obscene.’


‘We love using power,’ the old Tory said,

‘On cooking and heating and telly.

And so we can’t ask the voters to give it all up

They’ll simply say not on your nelly.’


‘I can’t see my GP,’ the young voter said.

‘And A&E waits are just horrid.

So poo to your policies, no good at all,

Your election results will be torrid.’



With considerable apologies to Lewis Carroll





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Following the plot structure of the 2010 movie Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio, half of Uxbridge has bent upwards towards the sky and then folded back over to a point which seems surreal, but is oddly compelling.


A slight majority of residents are unable to follow the plot of a Peppa Pig episode, never mind the complexities of a Christopher Nolan film. Unable to process the meaning of a Cobb's totem which has been spinning perpetually since 2015, they elected to stick with a Conservative MP because perpetual spin is something they keep being told is good for them.


A local woman who wasn't still being smashed in the face by a Conservative Party activist said, 'Uxbridge sounds lovely, but look at the state of it. Anyone who comes to live here willingly is a white ghillie suit short of a tundra scenario.'


Unable to wake up from a nightmare within a nightmare, the people of Uxbridge are now left in a zero G van crash going over the side of a garden bridge in sloooooooow motion.




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