Ambulance response times now longer than returning Elgin marbles to Greece

An ambulance has taken two hundred and fifteen years to drive from Salford NHS trust to 37 Slurry Drive in Salford. Remarkably this is longer than it has taken the British Museum to think about returning the stolen Elgin marbles to their rightful owners.

The trust CEO, Norman Brimmer, said they were working hard to bring times down so that patients wouldn’t have to wait longer than a century or fifty years in emergency cases of cardiac arrest or getting your head stuck in a bucket.

'Two hundred and fifteen years is rather a long time,' said Mr Brimmer, 'but to put things into perspective, that’s only twenty-five years above national government targets.'

A&E waiting times halved with double-decker trolleys

Instead of trying to fix the NHS, self-proclaimed prime minister Rishi Sunak has invested all of the public's money in a Rolodex of excuses. A world-beating Rolodex of excuses, according to the Rolodex itself. The Downing Street Special Excuses Unit flipped through it and chose the following ones to bung into the government's official hand-washing of the matter:

'You plebs keep getting injured, so it's your fault. Old people keep getting ill, so it's their fault. An unfavourable exchange rate. Nurses are all nymphomaniac sluts shagging the doctors instead of making patients better. Vladimir Putin did it. The world's best value health service is too expensive for the UK. Labour invented the NHS so blame them. Keir Starmer. Just Keir Starmer.'

Health Secretary Steve Barclay then shoved his arm deep into the back end of the Department of Health Cow Tombola and dredged out these three "doing everything we can" fixes:

'To ease unsustainable pressures, pharmacists will do amputations. To solve critical bed shortages, patients will top and tail. And nurses have been instructed to raid Asda for more trolleys.'

These fixes are like turning up to A&E with your arse blown off, then being told to sit down and wait.

Contributions from: deskpilot, mcdabble, modelmaker, Titus, SteveB

Trolley wait of 5 minutes unacceptable - in Waitrose

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