Instead of trying to fix the NHS, self-proclaimed prime minister Rishi Sunak has invested all of the public's money in a Rolodex of excuses. A world-beating Rolodex of excuses, according to the Rolodex itself. The Downing Street Special Excuses Unit flipped through it and chose the following ones to bung into the government's official hand-washing of the matter:
'You plebs keep getting injured, so it's your fault. Old people keep getting ill, so it's their fault. An unfavourable exchange rate. Nurses are all nymphomaniac sluts shagging the doctors instead of making patients better. Vladimir Putin did it. The world's best value health service is too expensive for the UK. Labour invented the NHS so blame them. Keir Starmer. Just Keir Starmer.'
Health Secretary Steve Barclay then shoved his arm deep into the back end of the Department of Health Cow Tombola and dredged out these three "doing everything we can" fixes:
'To ease unsustainable pressures, pharmacists will do amputations. To solve critical bed shortages, patients will top and tail. And nurses have been instructed to raid Asda for more trolleys.'
These fixes are like turning up to A&E with your arse blown off, then being told to sit down and wait.
Contributions from: deskpilot, mcdabble, modelmaker, Titus, SteveB