‘Not enough wars’ say arms manufacturers

Despite a widespread feeling that 2024 has been reasonably bellicose, leading arms companies have called for governments to step up the aggression in a bid to prevent a global Depression.

“We all remember the Great Depression of the 1930s”, a spokesman said. “Ultimately that led to World War Two. So we’re trying to save lives, really. We feel that a small number of minor wars now would keep the economy turning nicely and stave off anything large and dangerous. We’re not talking about anything closer than Ukraine. Gaza is perfect – thousands of miles away and the US Government is only too happy to pay. There’s always the West Bank when Gaza runs out of, erm, terrorists”.

The ideal war involves far-off places without nukes. African wars don’t usually attract Western dollars so they’re not much use, though there are hopes that Trump might spark something involving diamond mines as he enters his ‘Elvis in Vegas’ era.

“How about the Falklands again? Only this time the USA could side with Argentina and unleash shock and awe on the Brits! Hey, that might work”, said the spokesman, frantically scrolling Google Maps. “Or Vietnam? Haven’t done that one for a while”.

Economists agree that blowing up existing infrastructure is somehow good for the global economy, though they refuse to explain why. We wouldn’t understand, apparently. Maths. Anyway, War is Good and suggestions for the next conflict are always welcome. Please send ideas to: Senatorsforhire.com

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FIFA seeks sponsors for Christmas truce football game in Gaza

'Call us lovably innocent and child-like,' said a FIFA spokesman, 'but we really think that something wonderful will happen on Christmas morning in Gaza, with Hamas fighters and Israel Defense Force troops emerging from their trenches and striding across the rubble-strewn wastelands towards each other – hands outstretched - to swap seasonal good wishes and offer each other cigarettes.

'Furthermore, we fully expect a jolly game of football simultaneously to ensue, and we are now opening the bidding for sponsors for this sublimely heart-warming event.

'The 2023 Gaza Spontaneous Seasonal Soccer Game (TM) needs an official soft drink, an official beer, an official time-keeper, and an agreeable five-star hotel for FIFA executives to stay in - free of charge - throughout this unique and life-affirming event.

'We’ve been surprised to learn that some people doubt that the IDF and Hamas will spontaneously decide to kick footballs around with each other to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Saviour, the Prince of Peace – on the basis that neither side are Christian, and they simply hate each other too much.

'All we can say is that in our experience, if you are a multi-national corporation and you are prepared to shovel very, very large amounts of cash in the direction of the things you want, you can generally buy quite a lot of wonderful surprises for yourself.

'So just send your usual, huge cheques to our usual bank account in Switzerland and seize the chance to be connected with an up-coming Christmas miracle in the Holy Lands which will be remembered by consumers forever!'

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It was bound to happen. IDF kill three hostages