PM defends UK refugee progress - or would do if there was any

A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed that as of today 'three Ukrainians have been admitted to the UK on top of the 1.5 million or so taken by Poland.' When pushed the spokesman said the PM thought it outrageous that all three had been admitted, but it turned out one was a potential Tory Party donor, 'so that was alright.'

'We are prepared to provide refuge for oligarchs, billionaires and all potential donors, of course,' added the spokesman, 'but those poor war-torn people - well, they're poor aren't they? What can they donate? Perhaps if they left any valuables at the Channel Tunnel entrance and returned to East Europe everybody would be happy,' he added.

Image Pixabay/TheDigitalArtist

Europe surprised when total bastard starts shooting missiles at buildings

Many European commentators have declared themselves surprised and taken aback when a complete and utter bastard started shooting missiles at nearby buildings.

"We always knew Putin was a total slime tosser, but we thought he'd just be one in Syria or some republic we've never heard of, not somewhere they drive the same cars we do," said one.

"Yes, he covered half of Salisbury in nerve jelly, but we also figured him for a decent sort who would leave people alone to enjoy their tea. That was, of course, until he started firing missiles into buildings." said another.

"Of course, he's been accused been killing people in Europe for years, but always discretely and mostly journalists. We never thought he'd go in for the block booking," said a third.

Europe has been swift to respond and officially declare Putin a straight up 100% ****

Image: Pixabay/MabelAmber

Boris Johnson’s six point plan to end Ukraine crisis in full

1. Boney M’s ‘Rasputin’ to be banned from all UK radio stations

2. Beef Stroganoff to be removed from the House of Commons canteen

3. A complete cultural boycott of Russian touring artists (with exceptions for hot female violinists who for some reason find an overweight, shop soiled Furby in human form inexplicably attractive)

4. Liz Truss to be despatched to Moscow in a different ethnic Russian costume each week until Putin gets fed up

5. Roman Abramovich to be limited to owning no more than five diamond encrusted helicopters, while his super yacht must be permanently moored in Weston Super Mare

6. All donations to the Conservative Party from Russian oligarchs to be paid back immediately. Except there haven’t been any, honest. Stop playing politics, let’s move on etc.

Image: Unsplash/Hello I'm Nik