Thames Water plans to set fire to all the rain

In what is being described as fusion between rampant capitalism and a James Taylor tribute, Thames Water said that they will undo recent showers. Their CEO revealed that rain was watering down their profits, ‘We need shortages to drive up prices - which is why we are pumping all the fresh water directly into the sea.’

Monetising thirst means Thames Water can offer premium dryness experiences. ‘Just think about it—no more rain delays for sports; everything becomes desert ball, a brand-new franchise.’ Future plans include repurposing clouds as advertising billboards instead of wasting time making rain.

They hope to see a booming wellness industry of grit cleanses and dust immersion therapy. ‘We’ll be creating additional wildfires to use up any excess water, while the remaining dribbles will be evaporated using millions of hairdryers powered by pure spite.’

Image credit: Wix AI

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Northerners not actually that hard

Generations of received wisdom about regional toughness have been thrown into doubt after water scientists confirmed that people in London and the South East are officially considerably harder than people in Manchester, Liverpool and most of Yorkshire.

The discovery was made after researchers realised that maps showing water hardness could also be used to settle arguments about which parts of Britain are hardest. 'London is absolutely rock hard,' said one hydrologist. 'You only have to look inside a kettle. After six months it looks like it’s been concreted.'

By contrast, Manchester was classified as 'soft', while large parts of Scotland were found to be so soft that researchers have advised residents not to make eye contact with anyone from Kent.

The findings have caused particular embarrassment in Yorkshire, where generations of men have cultivated a reputation for toughness despite apparently washing in something with roughly the mineral content of Evian. 'We’ve always regarded ourselves as hard,' said one Leeds resident. 'But apparently people in Croydon are substantially harder. I’m struggling to process it.'

'That’s what makes people from Kent so formidable,' said a spokesman. 'Every cup of tea is basically a geological event.'

Newcastle has disputed the methodology, arguing that hardness should be measured by willingness to go out in February without a coat rather than milligrams of calcium carbonate per litre.

The government is now considering replacing the traditional North-South divide with a new national classification system ranging from 'Glasgow: incredibly soft' to 'Margate: fucking granite'.

Image credit: perchance.org

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The Tory guide to saving water

1. First things first, get the gardener to put the cover on your pool when your not using it. During these hot days, you can prevent evaporation and save on heating. Its down to Labour education failings that pool management isn't taught in schools

2. Don't empty your Jacuzzi after use, let your servants have a go. Normally, of course, you'd instruct your man to drain and clean your Jacuzzi once you've finished but why not charge him a few quid for the honour to be allowed to use your water.

3. Use a hosepipe ban loophole. This is a clever plan, hosepipes are banned but a chain of lads with buckets is completely above board; get a few of the staff onto it.

4. Replace all your lawns and plants with plastic equivalents. Think about it; these don't need watering, cutting or pruning - so there's a saving on staff.

5. Spend the summer in your Swiss chalet. This is an obvious move, but needs some planning - you need to get the UK staff onto zero hours contracts so you don't waste money paying them when your not there. If you need extra staff out there, why not get them jobs as Ryanair cabin staff - then they can fly out for free.

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First published 18 Aug 2022

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