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2024 confirmed as 'stupidest year ever'



The Central Intelligence Agency has confirmed that 2024 is the stupidest year on record.  The past ten years have all been in the top ten, in an extraordinary run of record-breaking stupidity.


2024 saw some incidents of spectacular stupidity, including the election of Donald Trump, the claim that Navalny died of natural causes, Rishi Sunak announcing an election in the pouring rain, Glasgow’s disastrous ‘Willy Wonka Experience’, Raygun’s breakdancing at the Olympics, dynamic ticket pricing fails for that Oasis gig, Rachel Reeves 'boosting growth' by raising business taxes by £40bn and Keir’s call for the ‘return of the sausages’.


The greatest contribution to an increasingly stupid work was made by one man.  His actions and pronouncements have single-handedly moved the dial on global stupidity – Donald Trump.  His contributions in 2024 included claims that migrants were eating pets, magnets don’t work underwater, and Hannibal Lecter was a great man. And a bizarre speech about Arnold Palmer’s manhood.


Academics now concerned that the planet can never return to the average levels of stupidity in 1850-1900.   But the UK government is refusing to fund research into increasing stupidity levels, in case anyone makes fun of them.


Experts are unable to agree on the root causes of increasing stupidity, which are thought to include too much screen time, alternative facts, dumb things on social media, ultra processed foods, declining educational standards, global warming, artificial intelligence, chatbots, the dark web, brain rot, and GB News.

Rupert Murdoch gives Hugh Grant a huge amount of money "because of Wonka"



Kind hearted philanthropist, Rupert Murdoch, has decided to give Hugh Grant a huge amount of money.


When asked if this had any relationship to the privacy case brought by Mr Grant, "Uncle" Rupert explained that "Obviously, my company is entirely innocent of that, I just enjoyed Mr Grant's Oompa Loompa performance so much that I thought I'd show my appreciation. In a hugely expensive way."


Hollywood insiders have suggested that Hugh Grant is considering a sequel to the Wonka film, provisionally titled 'Wonga'


H/T to Deskpilot





Willy Wonka to scrap 'Golden Ticket'


Golden Tickets offering foreign children fast-track visits to the Chocolate Factory are expected to be scrapped by Willy Wonka, amid pressure over links to Mike Teavee and Augustus Gloop.


A source confirmed reports of an announcement next week on those spending at least £2m on bars of chocolate.


The scheme was introduced to find someone to take over the confectionery empire, but it has been under review for some time after concerns it is open to abuse.


It is still open to the rich, such as Veruca Salt who is immature, over-indulged and manipulative, fitting right in with current government policy. Anyone who has very rich parents and lives in a mansion is welcome, especially if they have affluent parents who will give them anything they want, no matter how ridiculous the price including contracts for PPE. It is very important that they express no gratitude at all for what they are given.


However, an Oompa Loompa spokesperson was keen to promote 'levelling up' which also encourages applications from less well off children, such as Charlie Bucket who lives in a single roomed house with his entire family.


image from pixabay

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