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Britain’s Wimbledon hopefuls now practising on an actual court



As Wimbledon beckons, Britain’s tennis hopefuls are moving their training up a notch.


Until now, Britain’s best young players have largely trained in classrooms with their sports psychologists.  The training is intensive, involving mindfulness, mental exercises and long periods spent in isolation tanks, visualising success.  They also learn yelling, tantrums and anger escalation techniques.


But now it’s time to get real.   Wimbledon starts next week, so it’s time to get outside and check that all the academic exercises have properly prepared everyone to be on a real tennis court.


‘It’s fine,’ says Bjorn Conners, an expensive tennis coach.   ‘I’ve trained so many young British hopefuls.   I have a very well established routine.  We spend ninety minutes doing breathing exercises before we go out into the daylight and onto the court.  I encourage the players to relate to the grass. It’s weird stuff, and they won’t have seen it before.   When everyone is ready, they will try some practice shots.


‘They train extensively on VR, and we simulate British summer weather with hosepipes and wind machines, so they will be ready.  Some of them can be phased by having a human opponent, but they usually get over that quite quickly.


‘I think it will be a good year.   We tell them that they will all be out of Wimbledon in the first round, so anyone who manages to get through will be thrilled to bits.   And, of course, well prepared to go out in the second round.  We’ve all got bets on that.’




Brits can ignore Election coverage thanks to Euros, Wimbledon


A General Election on 4th July means that the Euros (from 14th June) and Wimbledon (joining in from 1st July) will save millions from eye-gougingly tedious General Election build up coverage.


UK sports fans have been pouring beer and/or Pimms over themselves in celebration at missing out on clips of Sunak and Starmer pretending to listen to questions from idiots or failing to perform basic physical labour whilst wearing a hi-vis jacket and hard hat.


Sport scientist Karolina Krychowiak said 'The only thing you have to be careful of is Euros games involving England and Scotland because you may have to endure carefully orchestrated photos of the leaders sitting awkwardly surrounded by cheering sycophants, pretending that they're watching "the footballs", with "some pints" and "their mates" because "they're just like you". ' 


'What a load of balls.'


Picture credit: Wix

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