You're not sure are you? It could be. It can't be any more bizarre than Curling. And maybe you dreamt that one.
Can all agree that the range of Winter sports is inexplicable. From Nordic Combined to Sculpture Races, from Luge to Snow Mazes -and only one of those is fake.
Seriously, do you know any of the rules? No, of course you don't. No one does. It only makes sense after a bottle of schnapps. And don't get me started on Underwater Snowboarding.
I wouldn't mind, but we never win.
There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice.
The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement.
Starmer, dressed in his trademark figure-hugging grey aerodynamic suit, grey tie, grey hi-vis vest and grey helmet, employed what commentators described as the “Dull Lawyer’s Glide”, a textbook move straight out the choreography textbook.
Extra points were awarded for technical difficulty after Starmer simultaneously committed to crossing the lake, ruled it out, reintroduced it as a possibility and then insisted he had already crossed it several times in principle.
Bob Sleigh, Head of Team GB Pointless Sports, praised the performance. “With a modicum of skill, a dearth of talent and the personality of a broken office thermostat, Keir has shown that you really can avoid political death and cling to survival by your fingernails.”
Starmer thanked the crowd, apologised for winning, apologised again for the apology, and commissioned a review into whether gold medals were still appropriate in the current climate.
image by Grok
Comedy writers around the world have lodged a formal complaint with the International Olympic Committee comedy(IOC) over stories about hyaluronic acid allegedly being injected into ski jumpers’ penises to give them extra elevation.
“How are we meant to compete with that?” said a spokesmirthson. “That is already funny. You can’t add anything to it. It’s not fair. We’re just trying to do our job here.”
Hyaluronic acid is a common filler used in cosmetic surgery, including injections being used for penile girth enlargement surgery. Stop tittering at the back there. Before the start of the season ski jumpers are measured for their suit. A larger penis at the time of measuring would mean a fractionally larger ski suit which could potentially mean greater lift.
There are rumours that a member of the Austrian team who took double the recommended dose of the acid has still not come down. Meanwhile, it has emerged the acid was also used in the creation of the giant heads of Verdi, Rossini and Puccini at the opening ceremony.
The dose led to their lower appendages falling off backstage, killing one of hundreds of volunteers in the first known case of ‘penicide’.
image form pixabay
