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Lucy Bronze sets the standard for how much pain women can tolerate

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England defender Lucy Bronze has dismissed other women as wimps by playing 90 minutes of football with her leg hanging off; and says she could easily have had triplets and coped with 2 failed relationships during the match as well.


Andrew Tate told Newsbiscuit, that Lucy was an excellent example of how far too many women make out they are weaker than they really are; and wished he’d been able to help her prove her point, by giving her two black eyes before she had her post-match photo took.


It isn’t known yet how Lucy Bronze intends to spend her time in the aftermath of the match, but a friend told Newsbiscuit, she expects she’ll unwind with a few pints of absinthe while she listening to Ed Sheeran.


image from pixabay


Fall in Fertility Rates Caused by Rise in Ugly Men

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The United Nations has noted an unprecedented decline in world fertility rates, which directly correlates with a rise in unattractive men.


"In many ways, men have never been more fertile," said Upda Duff, the report's lead author. "A reduction in smoking and better diets mean sperm counts are high on every continent. The major issue seems to be their choosing to either look like unkempt vagrants with giant beards, or dropping their body fat so low they resemble a shrink-wrapped packet of chicken legs in the supermarket; and that's before they open their mouths to tell people their political-leanings or misogynistic tendencies. This is leading to revulsion by women, a condition known colloquially as 'clam-jam' and meaning they're more likely to spend their free time with a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a repeat of the BBC's dramatization of Pride and Prejudice."


"The report's conclusions are an unfortunate demonstration of our female-dominated world and I will reserve judgement on their feelings regarding male desirability until I've heard from Andrew Tate." said exactly zero women yesterday, or ever.



Most women think about doing yoga a lot more than they do yoga

Women who state yoga as a thing they do actually spend more time thinking about doing it than actively doing it. Stiff desk-based software engineer Jemima Bennett regularly sits on the sofa in loose clothing in the position of the basking meerkat binge watching Bridgerton. Each time the adverts come on she decides that at the next ad break she’ll stop watching telly and do some yoga from the DVD she bought in 2004. This sits next to two other still shrink wrapped yoga DVDs. Despite streaming all other media Jemima needs to do yoga from a DVD because otherwise she gets lost in what she should be bending when. She has never got to the end of the DVD. About once a year she completes the first fifteen minutes of the DVD and then spends the next week prancing about like an agile flamingo.


Periodically Jemima decides that going to a class instead of doing yoga at home will motivate her. She then decides none of the local classes are at the optimum time. She mentions this to fellow bendiness-dodger Lucinda and they both sit in the regretful salmon pose by a coffee table with a plate of Bonne Maman Chocolat Caramel Tartelettes (unarguably the middle class Twix).


Both women stand in front of their wardrobes in the posture of the irritable wombat and suffer guilt over the enormously expensive, barely worn leggings they purchased despite yoga not needing special clothes. The leggings have a pocket. This is a win. Months pass in the firm sloth posture and then a microdose of yoga is achieved again.




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