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Scotland, Wales, NI could invoke 1966 Protocol


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With England in the Women’s World Cup final, administrators in Edinburgh, Cardiff and Belfast have dusted off Cold War era playbooks to avoid being drowned by a wave of English jingoism and smugness.


One Northern Irish official complained 'The plan needs updating as the last time England were in a football world cup final, the moon landings, colour TV – and the Troubles – were still all future events.'


A Scottish civil servant suggested annexing Berwick-upon-Tweed whilst no-one was looking, adding 'Normally, an England flag hanging from a bedroom window, means racists live there. But the smugness of English middle class men who lie that they have “always followed women’s football actually” is almost more insidious.'


The Welsh government denied another English request to "borrow" Gareth Bale pointing to several reasons he might be ineligible.


England play Spain in the final, with the winner getting Gibraltar.




Bloke reckons he’d do OK in England women’s football team in semi final


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Dave Bloke, long-standing albeit unofficial football pundit of the Crown and Anchor in Bexleyheath, has announced that he reckons he'd probably do OK in the England women’s football team, 'to help them get through the semis, know what I mean?'.


“Not saying I’d get in the real team,” he added. “Mind you, there was a time I was considered quite a prospect, before I put me back out. Did I ever tell you I ‘ad a trial for Luton Town?


”But the birds’ team? Yeah, I’d do all right there, show ‘em a thing or two. Plus I’d be on hand to explain the offside rule. I’d actually respect ‘em more for asking.”


Asked how he could possibly get into the women’s team, he replied “I’ll just say I’m one o’ them trannies. Self-assessment these days innit, or whatever it’s called.


“Reckon they’d work it out in the showers afterwards though, eh? Eh? Know what I mean? Eh? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more…”


When she implausibly heard about this conversation, Lionesses’s manager Sarine Wiegman said she’d consider Mr Bloke for the role of team mascot, but only after the current goat dies.




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