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It has been announced that by using the same hologram technology, where Elvis was able to appear ‘live’ on stage despite him being dead for over forty years, The Winston Churchill Roadshow will be rolling into a town near you from next week.


Confined to light duties, as that's about all aides dare trust him with, Boris Johnson Johnson has been put in charge of the project. ‘I’m just working on this with the brainboxes. We'll soon have the technology in place to enable us to have Sir Winston live in concert, reciting some of his iconic wartime speeches, backed by the Glen Miller Orchestra,' Mr Johnson enthused.


‘The show will be hosted by music hall icons, Flanagan and Allen, and will visit parks and piazzas around the country to give us all a good dose of old fashioned British vim, vigour and spunk,’ added Dominic Raab, looking lovingly into the PM's eyes.


On hearing the news, one Young Conservative who for some inexplicable reason still dreams about Britain's past glories of World War victories and Empires, was beside himself with delight. Fiddling with his flies in an attempt to disguise an unsightly stain, the chinless former Harrow Head Boy said: ‘This is the best possible pick-me-up our great nation could have been given and just what we need to banish our blues.


‘I knew Boris wouldn’t let us down. When he sees a job that needs doing he doesn’t drag his heels by announcing half measures. He just rolls up his shirt-sleeves and gets on with the task. He got Brexit done and he will now get Covid done, or kill us all in trying.’





First published 4 Jan 2022


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6th cent. BC. Buddha gets idea for reincarnation while visiting recycling centre.


33 AD. Jesus crucified, asks to be buried with 10kg of self-raising flour.


c. 150 AD. Ptolemy proves world is round. Shops that sold models of Earth now calling them "frisbees".


1450. Renaissance pauses for half-time break so people can clear backlog of witches and heretics to be burned.


1453. Guinness Book of Records congratulates England and France on completing Hundred Years' War.


1560. Nostradamus correctly predicts the Trump presidencies, but realises they are just too far-fetched for publication


1707. Act of Union - apparently. Scotland wakes up in bed beside England with huge hangover and no idea how it got there.


1842. Victorian society is shocked by the first Pirelli calendar, which features pictures of pianos with particularly attractive legs


1854. Alfred Tennyson in secret talks with Light Brigade: 'You provide the charge and I'll provide the poem.'


1901. Death of Queen Victoria sparks constitutional crisis as King Edward too fat to fit on stamp.


1919. Humiliating peace terms for WWI losers at Versailles, whereby Britain allowed to make one 12-part sitcom per year about beating Germany.



Includes contributions from FlashArry and deskpilot


Photo credit stockcake: museum-dinosaur-exhibit_262824_51875






1912. Guardian leads with "Rare Endangered Iceberg Feared Damaged After Collision With Ship".


1933. Austrian immigrant overcomes prejudice and bigotry to become Chancellor of Germany.


1936. Edward VIII forced to abdicate in favour of brother after Bank of England accidentally puts George's face on 1,000,000,000 pound notes.


1938. Neville Chamberlain describes meal he shared with Hitler. "Peas in our thyme" remark widely misunderstood.


1939. Berlin branch of WH Smith notes sharp rise in sale of Polish phrasebooks.


1940. French become Surrender Champions of Europe and hold title for four years running.


1945. Führexit.


1945. Surviving residents of Nagasaki reassured to know sudden spike in temperature not due to climate change.


1956. Busload of bewildered Dynorod men stranded in Egypt due to "sewers crisis" mixup.


1960. Unbanning of Lady Chatterley fuels huge rise in demand for rough rural sex. Harold Macmillan tells gamekeepers: "You've never had it so good".


1969. In US, millions burn draft cards to avoid being sent to moon. On landing, Armstrong utters famous words, "It's grim up here but at least it's not Vietnam".


1980. Millions turn out to celebrate election of first Geriatrican-American president.


2001. "Three-point turn" to replace "Dodge the Twin Towers" in test for Saudi pilot licence.


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