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Tales of Olde Yarwick (& More)


The first ten stories are set in a fictional, utopian version of York aka Yarwick while the other five are set in York as it was in my younger days. The stories are written to entertain but also to ask you to think about ways this wonderful city could be made even better.

 

Do you live in a city you love but would like to improve? Or in a dump which is in desperate need of change? What would you do if suddenly you had the power to enhance your environment? The first ten stories in this collection should give your imagination a boost to answer these questions. Set in the author's home city on York, transformed into Yarwick, the tales have ideas for how to set your town on the road to perfection.


Bill Banks is a rough diamond who has his own ideas of how the city should be and is ready to fight anyone or anything that gets in his way.


The collection is completed with five earlier stories set in York, which attempt to give the reader a feel for the atmosphere of this unique city.




City of York to rebrand


The city of York is to be renamed, to avoid it being associated with disreputable ne’er-do-wells


With the main culprit being the sweatless Duke of 'York', the city is fed up of hearing its name in the news due to worthless people being rubbish. Even Andrew’s Chinese 'not a spy business associate' was said to have gone to The University of 'York'. The Archbishop of 'York' has faced accusations of failing to handle abuse cases, not great publicity as he is meant to be covering for the top Bishop who is checks notes ……faced accusations of failing to handle abuse cases.


'The City will now be known as Jórvík, as the Vikings named it' proclaimed a City spokesperson, fully regaled in Viking armour and with a historically accurate hornless helmet. Hoping it just means a few road sign changes and some nice new stationary, the new Jórvík council have embarked upon a rebranding campaign with a Scandi vibe of calmness and reasonably priced furniture.


The city had considered “New New York”, but it felt weird and lazy.


However, due to concerns about historic raping and pillaging allegations dating from 850AD, the city is now planning on using the Roman name Eboracum instead. A fine name, probably the one good thing the Romans did.


Writing credit hat-tip: granger

Picture credit: Wix AI

Prince Andrew launches York Riviera Orchard brand

Prince Andrew is enduring hard times. He’s been booted off charity boards, cited in awkward legal cases, banned from public engagements, and is about to be evicted from the Royal Lodge in Windsor, leaving him homeless.


However, the resourceful Prince is planning to bounce back, and has a new scheme to make himself enough money for rent and, ideally, a security detail.


Following the example of other disgraced royals (by which we mean Harry and Meghan), he plans to launch his own lifestyle brand. The working title is believed to be York Riviera Orchard.  This is an unimaginative copy of Meghan’s company. York Riviera is believed to refer to the parts of York that flood when the River Ouse bursts its banks.


A range of internet domains have recently been registered by an offshore company called Noddy Hates Big Ears Limited. These include yorkrivieraorchard.com, therealyorkrivieraorchard.com, and yorkrivieraorchardhatesyoudad.com.


The first products to be offered are rumoured to include frozen pizzas, which will have a trademark stuffed crust and a very thin topping. It’s thought unlikely that Prince Andrew will make these himself.   There will also be a range of personal care products, including ‘the world’s most effective antiperspirant’. The company has no immediate plans to sell jam, but an insider told us that there may be jam tomorrow.


Andrew is also believed to be working with a ghostwriter on a Christmas book, provisionally titled ‘How Not To Be Royal’.




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