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Undead condemn bag for life 'discrimination'




Vampires, zombies, mummies and other members of the undead community have condemned British supermarkets for selling 'bags for life'.


Count Magnus de la Gardie says he was shocked when he first saw the bags for sale in his local Tesco.


'Obviously, I welcomed the all night shopping opportunity as I am unable to shop during daylight hours, er, because of the difficult parking, but when I filled my trolley with factor 5000 sunblock, and went to the checkout I was confronted with a bag for life. Who are they for? Not me, clearly.


'I began to explain this to the young lady on the till but I became rather distracted by her sweet, sweet neck and that led to this prison cell which means that, in turn, I might have to give up my seat in the House of Lords.'





This reporter also spoke to a zombie who preferred to remain anonymous - mainly because he'd forgotten his own name. The zombie simply repeated the phrase 'Me want bag for dead.' Although he did enquire if I actually needed my brains.

Zombies refusing to eat the brains of anyone without proof of a negative lateral flow test


Walking dead old grey matter gnawers have insisted that there will be implications for anyone who does not have a negative lateral flow test certificate.


'Ideally, victims should be in possession of official documentation clearly stating that they have had a negative PCR test within the last 48 hours,' wailed Terry, a senior member of the mind muncher community. 'But times have been tough for everyone, and most zombies I've moaned at have suggested that they would be willing to accept lateral flow test results up to 72 hours prior to the time of attack.'


'Look, we're all a bit twitchy about this new variant, and until we know more, we're not taking any chances. A mate of mine in the vampire community has said that they will not bite the necks of anyone who isn't wearing an FP2 approved face covering. If you ask me, that's going too far, but at least it shows a bit of consideration. Better than those sodding werewolves, anyway. They'll rip anyone to pieces without a second thought. But, then again, they lick their own genitals, so what do you expect?'







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