As the BBC is rocked by yet another scandal involving ‘a household name’, the corporation has announced plans to replace all of its presenters with A.I. controlled robots.
A BBC spokes-nonce said, “A recent poll of TV licence fee payers has shown overwhelmingly that the public has lost all confidence in the BBC’s ability to recruit any presenters who you wouldn’t be afraid to be stuck in a lift with. A further poll revealed that the only celebrities whom the viewing public still feel they can trust are Dame Judi Dench, Dame Mary Berry and Paddington Bear.”
He continued, “We have therefore commissioned the design of three robots, who will look and sound identical to these three national treasures. We did consider employing the celebrities themselves, but they’re all getting on a bit, and we didn’t want to be left high and dry if one of them suddenly snuffs it. Of course, there’s always a slight risk the robots will go rogue and try to destroy mankind, but as recent events have shown that humans aren’t to be trusted either, we figured A.I. is probably the safest option. Dench Bot will present all news programmes and royal events, Paddington Bot will present all kids TV shows, and Berry Bot will present everything else. We feel this is the only way we can regain the public’s trust, and ensure that there will be no further scandals.”
As the spokes-nonce’s phone began to ring, he said, “Excuse me, I’ll have to take this. Hello? Paddington Bear paid someone to do WHAT with a marmalade sandwich? The dirty b@stard!”
With a sigh, he muttered, “Bugger it! It’s too late to commission another robot now. If we took Paddington Bot’s hat and duffle coat off, I wonder if we could convince the viewers that he’s Sooty? If that doesn’t work, we’ll just have to wheel out Henry the Hoover instead, and hope for the best!“