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  • Writer's pictureNickB

All teams to wear black strip when football resumes

All Premier League and EFL teams will wear an all-black strip, whether they are at home or away, when football returns after the period of mourning for the Queen. A Premier League spokesperson said, 'We don't think this will lead to confusion as long as everyone plays by the rules.'

Referees will also be asked to wear the traditional black, and all players and officials will wear black armbands. All balls will be blackened when play resumes, and teams that can afford it will die their pitches black, hence the expression ‘pitch black’. All players will honour the passing of the Duke of Edinburgh by not taking the knee.

In the period of mourning, balls will be deflated to half full, as will holiday li-los and inflatable sex dolls. During the mourning period all footballers in Britain will forego sexy romps with three glamorous models in five-star hotel rooms that went tragically wrong. Meanwhile the cast of ‘Wagatha, the musical’ will take a week’s break during which Wayne Rooney, who plays himself, will re-rehearse all his dance numbers again.

Meanwhile, Lynne Truss, writer of the hit book about pandas ‘Eats, Shits and Leaves’ has unexpectedly become Prime Minister while the nation was distracted. She has apologised for the use in a press release of the phrase ‘Tax c*nts will save Britain’. A Downing Street Spokesperson explained to BBC News ‘This in no way refers to people who completely legally arrange their tax affairs offshore, so they keep most of their wealth, which somehow trickles down to poor people thus solving the economic crisis that has nothing whatsoever to do with Brexit, which the Queen definitely supported.’

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Mark Clouse
Mark Clouse

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