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Angela Rayner is Keyser Soze confirm Conservatives

Capo dei capi Angela Rayner now stands accused of the Brinks Mat robbery, the disappearance of Shergar and being both Jack the Ripper and Harold Shipman. Several Tory MPs have been seen running away in tears after Rayner beat them up, gave them a wedgie and flushed their heads down the toilet.

'Is RAYNER coming to MURDER you. And worse, lower your house price?' screamed the Mail, clutching its pearls and the caps lock key.

Having been told to jump, British Broadcasting Conservative Laura Kuenssberg happily did so, to various heights and indeed lengths to keep the story in the news.

One Tory Lord said 'Rayner made me open a series of fraudulent shell companies in the Cayman Islands for siphoning public money. It's her fault there's no money for public services!'

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