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Basalt enthusiasts celebrate devastating annihilation of seabirds

Rock fans of a more ferrous fanaticism than hair metal persuasion are celebrating the decimation of seabird colonies with muttered cheers slammed as ‘distasteful’ by ornithologists and ‘unnecessarily giddy’ by real ale fans, metal detectorists and trainspotters.

‘For years our geological frottage has been thwarted by these feathered squatters,’ droned sedimentary rock enthusiast Brian Silt. ‘It’s so frustrating when you drive responsibly to a rock formation in your Corsa, stopping for a warm Bovril every two hours, only to find a colony of gannets giving you the stink-eye. Now we just need to look past the horror of their rotting corpses to appreciate the exciting mudstone beneath; I can’t wait to get home and tell Mother.’

‘The agonising death of millions of seabirds is a great start in clearing our seastacks of irritating flappy things, but we’re not complacent,’ enthused a spokesperson for the World Wide Fund For- Hang On, Where Did It All Go?.

‘Just a bit more effort in over-intensive farming, lax biosecurity, toxic pesticides, mining, deforestation and desertification, and this is one result we could nail ahead of deadline and achieve a beautifully barren planet entirely unsullied by insects, flora, fauna, people and even cockroaches. Result!’

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