In keeping with a long tradition of bringing you the news before it happens, NewsBiscuit is announcing that Boris Johnson is no longer Prime Minister.
He has passed on. He is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his 1922 Committee. He's stiff. Bereft of political life. He rests in former-leader peace. If you hadn't nailed him to the perch of office, he'd be pushing up the rose garden daisies. His House of Commons metabolic processes are history. He's off the twig. He's kicked the Downing Street bucket. He's shuffled off this Whitehall coil, run down the Number 10 curtain and joined the Westminster choir invisible. This is an ex-Prime Minister.
Some might well point out that he was never really Prime Minister. Fair point. The words 'Boris Johnson' and 'Prime' are a self-evident oxymoron. But, on the other hand, he can only be divided by himself.
Any which way, he is toast. Or baked. Whichever illegal party or cake reference you prefer.
How is NewsBiscuit able to announce this? Mostly because no one really gives a crap what we say anyway. But also because the loyal advisers he surrounded himself with have just legged it after years of unwavering servitude. At precisely the same moment. And they're the sort who will have whispered to all of the right nobs, assessed the temperature from within the corridors of power, and concluded that this is the optimum millisecond to suddenly become disloyal. Distance themselves from the stench of abject failure. Let Captain Incompetent sink alone with his cargo ship of caca. Then scuttle back in when the smell has cleared, all unbesmirched, and loyally wipe the botty of a new cretin who doesn't know their posterior from their olecranon.
The only question remaining is how this will be communicated now that his Chief of Communications has done a runner. There's no one to work the communication thingy.
NewsBiscuit takes no responsibility for any inaccuracies, although it is only the date and timing of this announcement that might possibly be challenged.