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Braverman: 'We’ll just have to find somewhere worse than Rwanda then'

The Court of Appeal has thrown out the government's signature 'Stop Rwandering over here and get on that plane' immigration policy.

In response, Home Secretary Suella Braverman has got her travel brochures out. Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'So, Pyongyang looks delightful this time of year as do Chinese Uyghur re-education camps. For summer sun though, you can't go wrong with Mogadishu and it's in keeping with our post-colonial vibe. Plus you might get to be a pirate – splice the mainbrace!'

'The whole point of Brexit was for British courts to be sovereign. It certainly wasn't for those courts to give decisions that the Conservative party doesn't like. Suella's eyes are on stalks when she says that anyone with the job title Lord Chief Justice is probably a left-wing, hippy enemy of the people and that nothing screams "woke" more than those wigs and robes.'

'Rishi's talking so tough on immigration these days, he's even taken his tie off. It's so serious, he's added "stop the boats" to his email signature, but I think he just means his spare yachts.'

As an alternative to having an immigration policy, Penny Mordaunt has offered to stand on the White Cliffs of Dover – inevitably wielding a sword – whilst shouting "You shall not pass". Buckingham Palace has officially asked for the sword back.

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