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Wave of gratitude for Reform


British citizens have today expressed their overwhelming gratitude to the Reform Party.


‘Reform aren’t all bad,’ said Colin Popp, a resident of Clacton.  ‘There’s lots of criticism of Reform and Farage, but we should all give credit where it’s due. We all need to give a massive thank you to Reform for finally shutting up those gobby right-wing Tories.


‘Since Robert Jenrick joined Reform, we haven’t heard a peep from him.  What a relief!  No stupid stunts chasing tube fare dodgers.  No more embarrassing videos from migrant camps in France.  No more WhatsApp cock-ups.  Genius.


‘Same with Suella Braverman.  We had to put up with the big stupid event when she joined Reform.  But since then, a brilliant, perfect silence.  No more tirades about the wokerati.  No more nonsense about sending migrants to Rwanda.  No more diatribes about the failure of multiculturalism.  Listen hard.  Can you hear anything?  No you can’t.  Perfect.


‘You have to admire party discipline in Reform.  The price of your future career is you complete and utter loyalty – and your complete and utter silence.  Well done, Nigel.  We owe you one. 


'There are a few more MPs that we would dearly like to silence – can we send you a list?'


image from grok


Newly-discovered planet is 'safe'




The government is currently drafting a law declaring that a recently-discovered, 259,000 light-year-distant planet, described as a bare rock 'about half the size of that square bit of land sticking out of the left-hand side of England, covered in sheep' and which is 5,000 degrees hot, has seas full of hydrofluoric acid and an atmosphere of chlorine, is 'a safe, convenient and democratically-governed location to which unauthorised would-be immigrants may be lawfully accommodated while awaiting a decision on whether or not they are entitled to permanent residence in the UK.


'Of course it's a sensible choice,' a government spokes-bot declared 'which will deter the literally dozens of unauthorised would-be immigrants flooding to Britain every year in dangerous, ramshackle home-made clockwork flying saucers.


'And no-one need worry about logistical considerations regarding the plante's remote location.  Guests will have plenty of time to get there, have a nice relaxing break and then, if deemed admissible, eventually make their way  back to these shores, before Britain's immigration authorities have come anywhere near to making any kind of decision - about anything.'


Photo by Arnaud Mariat on Unsplash

Braverman: 'What even are "refugees" and "human rights" anyway?'



Suella Braverman is briefly pivoting away from abusing refugees and curtailing human rights in order to give a speech about abusing refugees and curtailing human rights. A leaked draft made extensive use of air quotes, screeching 'You say "basic human rights", I say "potato". You say "refugee fleeing persecution for being gay", I say "tomato". The point is let’s call the whole thing off.' 'You want human rights? You can't handle human rights. If you can’t arbitrarily beat up and imprison your political opponents, what’s the point? If you want a fair trial, it means you're guilty!' Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst added 'Leaving the ECHR would put the UK alongside Belarus and Russia - countries Suella clearly wishes to emulate. It contains the two things Tories fear most: human rights and Europe.'




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