Clown services to be cut
- Sully
- 4 hours ago
- 2 min read
The Government is planning a radical overhaul of Clown Services with Juggling, Glittering and Honking all severely affected.
‘To be honest, I don’t know why we even have a Ministry of Clowning’, a spokesman told us. ‘It’s 2025 – can’t people make their own cars fall apart?’
Clowning is one of the last vestiges of the welfare state. Clown Services were famously ignored by the Thatcher cuts. She always defended the clowns in gratitude for their assistance during the Miners’ Strike, when they could be seen wading into crowds of angry miners with their big shoes flapping. Derek Matthews suffered ‘glitter eye’ at Orgreave in 1984; he remains bitter about the encounter to this day.
‘Those bastards showed us no mercy. Bucket after bucket of glitter. My mate’s deaf in one ear after all the honkings they subjected him to. I don’t even know why they were there – nearest circus were miles away, they just kept bussing them in. Well they had to, all their cars disintegrated near Barnsley’.
Most people remember the Clown Riots of 1991/2 when rampaging clowns rearranged place settings at weddings and stole some fruit. It was never returned. It’s probably poo by now. Does Britain face another Summer of Clown Discontent? We asked a police spokesman but he was eating a doughnut and we couldn’t make out what he was saying. Hate it when that happens.
Without government funding it’s feared that we might see large numbers of homeless clowns on our streets where they fall easy prey to morris dancers and slightly disorganised crime. One thing is certain: if Margaret Thatcher were alive today she’d be scratching furiously at the coffin lid.