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Congress votes to arm all schoolchildren by 2025

Reeling from the atrocity of yet another mass shooting in a school, the US authorities have ruled that all schoolchildren from grade 1 upwards will be required to carry arms 'as a purely defensive measure'. This follows legislation pushed through to arm all teachers 'and some teaching assistants - you can't be too careful' this week in the wake of the mass killings. The arms for teachers would be automatic rifles, confirmed a Congress spokesman adding, 'when you've got a stroppy four year old throwing crayons around, a side arm just isn't going to work.'

'We're concentrating on the three Rs for our children, of course,' said a school principal in Minnesota today. 'Rifles, Rounds and Ricochets,' he added.

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