Frothing heavily at the mouth and staring wild-eyed around the room, a deranged Conservative whip today threatened a wavering backbencher that he had better not call for the Prime Minister’s resignation if he hopes to see his family alive and well again.
“I’m holding your family in a secure location whose whereabouts are known only to me. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t write to Graham Brady,” raged the whip, as he suffocated the poor MP in a variation of the sleeper hold. “You think you’re suffering now, but just you wait. Dare to undermine the PM and I’ll introduce you and your loved ones to a whole new world of pain.”
Spreading out a smorgasbord of arcane weaponry on his parliamentary office desk, the enforcer reminded the junior politician of his responsibilities as a representative of the Conservative Party, which apparently consist entirely of kowtowing to Boris no matter how reprehensible his behaviour.
“You want your kids to see the light of day again, I presume?” he pondered, lovingly handling a 16th century iron mace. “Then there shall be no contact with the 1922 committee, no self-serving statements on Twitter, no oblique references to despots in parliament, and definitely no interviews with Radio 4.”
The sophisticated whipping operation in the House of Commons is now so extensive that Number 10 has surveillance on all backbenchers’ homes and tracking chips installed in their entire family’s necks, the MP was informed.
On being shown a picture of a hired goon lurking outside his front door, the MP quickly agreed that his concerns about Mr Johnson’s behaviour were overblown.
“Hell hath no fury like a Prime Minister scorned,” chuckled Boris Johnson, cracking his knuckles.
“This isn’t blackmail or coercion,” denied the whip’s office. “It’s far, far worse than that.”