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England lose their first training session on penalties

Manager Gareth Southgate refused to attend a press conference following England’s latest embarrassing defeat in Qatar. Despite inventing the game, the country is still terminally useless at being able to kick a ball in any meaningful direction.

‘I’m as sick as a parrot,’ muttered a crestfallen Southgate as he walked away from the scene of England’s latest disgrace. ‘We haven’t had a decent result since we beat Stockport Post Office in the Euros,’ he added. ‘Frankly, we only have ourselves to blame for scoring against ourselves.

We had a carefully worked out plan with Venn diagrams, a screening of Escape from Alcatraz, and a PowerPoint presentation from some bloke in a tracksuit. I’m going to have to go back to the drawing board.’

Assistant coach, Ronnie Rickets, said it could mean wearing a sheepskin coat on the touchline like they did in the old days.

‘Yeah, well, you know, said Ronnie. ‘Harry Kane did point out that a sheepskin coat in sixty-plus degrees might not be conducive to keeping cool under the circumstances. That earned him a punch in the face from Gareth and sixty lashes from the security guards.’

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