A Tory environment spokesman has hotly denied that his party is dragging its feet on carbon emissions. "We are taking firm but cautious steps", junior minister Tristan Vickers told a news conference yesterday. "A hard-hitting memo has been sent to all toy manufacturers stating that the days of diesel and petrol are numbered in the nation's nurseries. This will send a clear message to all five-year-olds that there's no need to be ashamed of owning a Nissan Leaf, even if it's only three inches long".
In a further crackdown on fossil fuels, the government has decreed that all cars owned by fictitious characters on TV will be electric by 2040. "Think of how quiet your living room will be when you're watching car chases", Mr Vickers says. "No more if that ear-splitting roar from a V12 engine while James Bond pursues villains at 150mph". EastEnders cars are expected to be all electric by 2030: "Soon there'll be a barely audible hum from the traffic in Albert Square, so quiet you'll be able to hear the customers in the Queen Vic threatening each other with GBH".
He reacted angrily to suggestions that the government is not taking climate change seriously. "Our commitment to saving the planet starts right here in my office", he retorted. "Have I told you about my wind-powered pencil-sharpener?"