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Government orders urgent inquiry into why parts of Surrey aren't completely covered in shit

Following a government policy of straining every sinew to ensure all of Britain is drowning in raw sewage, a testing team from Guildford has found that some areas of Surrey are not completely submerged in stinky turds.

'It is just not right that Dorset is now entirely 'brown field' and Wiltshire's Stone Henge is at the bottom of a lake of diarrhoea,' said lead tester Amber Pace. 'We demand that the government pull out all of the stops so that Surrey can join other counties in achieving toxic, unlivable status. You can see the very top of Guildford cathedral, which is sickening.'

'What this government needs to do is roll its sleeves up, dive right in, and force water authorities to open all floodgates of faeces. If we need to import another 27,500 tonnes of human excrement from the Netherlands, then so be it. Whatever it takes.'

Secretary of State for the Department of We're All in This Together insisted, 'Look, the government is doing all it can in constipated times. We have spent billions of taxpayer money ensuring our department makes good use of the word 'This' in its title, which is a clever anagram of the word 'Shit'. We've got industrial scale farming dumping all the chicken crap they can lay their hands on into our reservoirs and shovelling pigshit into our rivers as fast as they can. The Prime Minister himself is curling one out as we speak.'

His Excremency went on to add, 'We thought that allowing organised crime to take care of the UK's waste, in a bold plan of no regulation whatsoever, would get us there much quicker. But some of these normally reliable tricksters have been piping it straight out on to our beaches. In some cases, the sea - which my number two, Dominic Raab assured us all was closed - has been diluting the sewage, and we just can't afford to let that happen. An urgent inquiry has been ordered, and in the meantime we'll see if we can't help the poor people of Surrey out with donations of high-grade premium caca from central London. One way or another, the number of floating voters needs to be reduced.'

'We simply must not allow this country to turn into a green and pleasant land.'

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