Government to reintroduce Trial by Combat
- Throngsman
- 6 minutes ago
- 1 min read
The government is denying it is pandering to Reform voters by overhauling the Criminal Justice system by eliminating the majority of Jury trials. 'Democracy and the Magna Carta is so yesteryear,' said a government spokesman today.
The new system will see less serious trials decided by 'Ips Dips Sky Blue', previously known as the Magistrates court but with the randomness of lay judges removed and replaced by Civil Servants with a top hat and names written on scraps of paper. Straws might be used as well. More serious crimes will be utilising Trial by Combat, with the survivor walking free. 'It'll save a shed load in jail spaces,' noted the spokesman, who suggested that white collar criminals should consider going to the gym before hacking their corporate IT systems.
Jury trials will be retained for more serious crimes where important people will need a way of avoiding justice. For very serious crimes, to ensure nobody is penalised whatsoever, the public enquiry system will be maintained. Much to the relief of corrupt politicians, fast-track PPE company owners, Post Office officials and refurbishers of tower blocks.
