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Gyles Brandreth's safeword clocked at five hours long

Why use one word when 90,000 will do?

The easy to remember safeword Gyles Brandreth uses during kinkytime has been measured at over 200 miles long. The self-promoting rambling monologue namedrops 6,000 people of note and contains a minimum of 4,000 sub-anecdotes.

Oddly revered as a great mind in Conservative circles, those outside the chamber of echoes have questioned the wisdom of such a lengthy safeword. Appealing as a tedious tale about two cardinals and a nun's wimple might be at a fundraising dinner party for Tory donors, those who wish to retire to the dungeon of fine leathers with Gyles become all too acutely aware of the impractical aspect of his safeword.

Britain's most wealthy harvester of human nipples remarked, 'It was unclear whether Mr Brandreth required me to stop. To be absolutely sure the safeword he was using was the pre-agreed one, I steeled myself and pushed on for dawn, but fell asleep during the bit about the vicar's terrier who ran off with Anne Widdecombe's sock suspenders. There was this awkward moment when I awoke where I was uncertain whether I had taken things too far, or not gone far enough.'

The government head of perversion security has this hour issued a memo to Conservative ministers past and present highlighting the lax nature of some safewords currently in use. The memo states, 'Although lessons have been learned from the esteemed Mr Brandreth, colleagues are reminded that widespread use of the safeword "Safeword!" is a breach of national security.'

[Hat tip to Walter Eagle ]


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