Harry and Meghan to become security guards

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are to provide their own security when they return to the UK. Literally. Acutely aware that many people are struggling under the cost-of-living crisis, the pair are to become security guards themselves at their new home. They will pay themselves the minimum wage and will be employed on zero hours contracts.

Things are moving forward apace. The pair have both been fitted for costumes in the style of Paul Blart, Mall Cop, the hit 2009 movie, and the film’s star, Kevin James, has been testing various scenarios with them.

In one dummy run, Harry roars across the lawn on his single wheel Segway to intercept a Deliveroo motorcyclist. Ever the showman, Harry turns to Meghan who is on garden duty, and mouths “No hands”. He stretches his arms out airplane style and raises himself on one leg, blowing Megan a kiss as he crashes straight into Archie and Lilibeth’s trampoline.

In another scenario, Harry has had one Stella too many and he sees movement down by the gates. “Halt! Who goes there?” he slurs. “It’s me, darling,” Meghan whispers. “Your wife,” she adds, removing her security guard’s hat and shaking her hair. Harry pauses. “Are we doing the role-playing thing? But it’s not Saturday…”

image by Grok

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