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I saved UK from Russian invasion, claims Sunak

An aide close to Rishi Sunak has confirmed that the then chancellor flew home from America, where he claimed Mr Sunak had been queuing to renew his green card, in order to save Christmas by preventing a lockdown that would have left him stranded in the US far, far away from his then non-domiciled wife. He also said the former chancellor wrestled Dominic Cummings out of the front door of Number 10, flinging the famous cardboard box at him in the process, before returning to the Prime Minister's flat to resume hanging the gold-plated wallpaper correctly.

He intimated the soon-to-be-Prime Minister squared up to Putin, forcing him to review his original intention of invading the UK and adding 'raine' to the battle plan to save face. He also claimed the man who single-handedly brought down the recently disgraced Boris Johnson, along with dozens of other MPs who also single-handedly brought down the Prime Minister, did it actually without using any hands 'so wins by any measure'.

According to the aide, Rishi Sunak is also impervious to Kryptonite of any colour, can fly with a cape, has heat vision and can raise taxes to pay for public services while cutting taxes to appease Tory donors at the same time. He denied Mr Sunak has a dog with similar powers as he is allergic to certain breeds and, anyway, that claim is really unbelievable.

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