Following criticism of his statements surrounding the age of retirement and the need for the British public to have more children, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg will tackle the problem head on.
A spokesperson for the MP has said 'Mr Rees-Mogg will personally sire hundreds of children for the next generation of workers. He's had some snuff and he's been looking at pictures of exposed ankles all morning.'
Ada, 33 from Rees-Mogg's constituency of North East Somerset has claimed 'There isn't enough alcohol in the world.'
Rees-Mogg's favorite position is alleged to be Minister for Brexit Benefits and failing that, missionary.
The announcement has caused widespread panic. Families are urged to stay indoors until further notice. Whitehall sources claim the government is considering raising the country's terror threat level from 'substantial' to 'severe.'