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Labour messaging stifled because Angela Rayner wouldn't share her Smarties in 1989

Keir Starmer is unable to get any political messaging across because The Waily Male is monopolising the news cycle with spurious accusations besmirching Labour politicians. Instead of being able to detail fiscal recovery plans, Starmer is left facing a barrage of irate questions about what Ed Miliband did to a puppy in 1993.

'We have installed an advanced system called Three Tombolas,' said a Lucky Dip contractor for The Male. 'The first one produces the name of a Labour politician. The second one produces a random heinous crime. And the third one says how much they smell.

'Look... Rachel Reeves... wanked off a Womble... and stinks like a woke snowflake poopoo face.

'How could any self-respecting news organisation not make that their top story every day for a week? There is literally nothing worse going on, and she should never be allowed to even mention how people dying on NHS waiting lists will be saved.

'This system will produce a limitless supply of awful things Labour politicians have done which will disgust everyone into believing they are even worse than the Tories. And the best bit is that none of them can sue for libel because you can't sue a tombola.'

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