The Archbishop of Canterbury has said that the good people of Wakefield; and of Tiverton and Honiton are waking up to the wonderful news today that the nation can rejoice that it has has been shown incontrovertible evidence of God's existence and that even in these difficult times, we can see for ourselves that God works in mysterious ways.
He went on to predict that demand for attendance at churches around the nation are likely to be so high, that ticket sales would outstrip those for a concert bill line-up that included every one of the largest grossing pop musicians of all time, even if they promised to exclude Ed Sheeran.
In London, the financial market when it opens is expected to be as brisk as those in Hong Kong and Tokyo, where the value of sterling rose sharply as the news of the Tory defeats reached them.
Asked for a comment from the Tory party, a spokesperson said "Boris is an ex-hack who understands the value of headlines, so you can be certain that todays headlines will be of interest to him. I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that he regrets giving that up for politics".