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Mancunian caught up in tornado awakes in colourful new world

A young(ish) Mancunian named Noel, who suffered a bang on the head during last night’s tornado, claims that he awoke to find himself in a new, colourful world full of wonders beyond imagining.

“Ah don’t reckon we’re in Manchester no more, our kid,” he told his younger brother Liam, who’d been transported with him. “Ah reckon we’re in that London.”

As Noel stared in wonder at the colourful Christmas lights, trains that travel underground and people with jobs, the locals told him to “follow the new ULEZ zone” until he encountered the Great and Powerful Khan, also known as the Stupid Git of the West(minster), who would help them get home (provided they paid the appropriate charges for any roads they used, and more if they were driving a diesel). Liam said he hoped Khan would also give him a brain, though Noel warned him that would alienate most of his fanbase.

In the end, Noel clicked his ruby Doc Martens together while repeating “Sorted, top, mad for it” and soon found himself back in drab, grey Manchester. He realised the whole thing had been a dream, and that the scarecrow he thought he’d met was actually a memory of Bez from the Happy Mondays.

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