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Multi-billionaire reveals the secret of his success

In an exclusive interview with Dick Scratcher, the multi-billionaire property magnate said to be extorting his tenants during the current cost of living crisis, we learned how someone who admits he “was never going to stand an effin' chance” of going to university was able to fare far better than if he had been able to. Scratcher is an interesting character who claims that he'd still be in the dole queue if it hadn't been for Margaret Thatcher. “When Thatcher gave us the opportunity to buy our council flat, I could see how it was the chance I needed to change my life. I was shagging a bird who worked in the council office and when she got herself pregnant, suggested the only way we'd be able to house the kid would be if we could buy my mum's flat. So we broke in the council offices and she fiddled the figures to value the flat at 10p and it all went through. Anyway as soon as my mum owned it, I had her transfer ownership to me, so I could flog it; and with the money we bought a mobile chip van. I parked it outside a community centre where they held Weightwatchers meetings and within a month, made enough money to buy another. Six months later, we had chip vans outside every Weightwatchers and Slimmers World venue in Lancashire. We were doing a roaring trade, thinking about expanding the business model into Yorkshire, but then Blackpool TV had me in as a celebrity on their version of Who Do You Think You Are; and I found out who my father was. He turned out to be a Russian oligarch worth billions. I managed to make contact with him. We got on well and he ended writing to me to say he had put me in his will and would be leaving me all his wealth. As luck would have it, he fell out of a skyscraper the next day, so I let my mum have the chip vans, bought every available property in Britain and became a landlord. Thankfully, we have a Conservative government that fucks up every five minutes, so not only does my investment bring in above inflation increases in revenue every year they're in power, but it's as safe as rat infested dwellings. It's amazing what hard work can bring if you have the right attitude."

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