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Mysterious Death in Minsk

Russian oligarch, Ivan Objekszntuputin, mysteriously died when his highly radioactive, bullet-ridden body fell out of a hotel window after a heart attack in Belarus this week. Objekszntuputin, CEO of the international tech firm, Hakamal, was found dead in a back street of Minsk with a belt round his neck and a kitchen knife in his through his ears. Police suspect suicide.

This morning, Mr Putin was not available for comment, but his office stated that he would be expressing his sympathies to Mr Objekszntuputin’s family hypersonically.

In other news, the sewage back up problem in St Petersburg was finally solved when drainage engineers removed the decomposing remains of 3 Army Generals from an inconveniently placed fatberg. The engineers were not available for comment having departed on their usual 9th of March holiday to Siberia for the foreseeable future.

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