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New Year’s Eve resolves to be as sh*t as always

As the count down to the lamest of all celebrations begins, the nation is gripped by the hope that they will just sleep through it. Complained one reveller: ‘At Christmas I get presents and non-stop turkey, whereas on New Year’s Eve I get bills and goosed by the creepy neighbour.’

‘Jools Holland does his music show, where people you thought were dead sing, until you wished they were. Then, everyone tries to phone their family, knowing full well the network will be down.

‘The only highlight of the New Year is seeing all those emotionally needy Londoner’s shivering beside the Thames. And having the satisfaction of knowing they’ve at least four hours on the night-bus to get home.’

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