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Number 10 Lectern demands pay rise

The wooden lectern regularly placed outside Number 10 Downing Street for speeches by the PM has demanded a pay rise, citing a huge increase in its workload over recent times.

The four-foot high oak stand complete with microphone, has called for an immediate above-inflation pay settlement, or else it will take indefinite strike action, likely to cause major disruption to the ongoing Tory shitshow.

‘When I took this job on, my contract said I’d be used for major occasions of national significance’, said the angry lectern. ‘You'll be rolled out possibly once every couple of years, they said, if I was unlucky’.

‘But let me read you my shifts this year alone. Partygate apology, Boris’s resignation, Boris’s leaving, Truss’s arrival, and now bloody Truss’s departure.’

‘And the Queen carking it too. I forgot about that’.

‘It’s taking the piss, it really is. I’m still pursuing my claim with 2 other lecterns from 2020 for being forced to wear those ridiculous yellow warning signs saying ‘Stay at home, Save Lives’ during the pandemic. It was frankly degrading. Now I've been rolled out again, this time for Rishi and told to be on standby for his resignation speech on Friday.'

A spokesperson for Number 10 said ‘We’re sorry to hear that the static, wooden incumbent in Number 10 has had so much trouble in their role.’

'Unfortunately, we can't promise there will be any change with the new leader. As for the lectern, we'll take their claims very seriously'.

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