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Police to be asked to investigate the ashes of the Tory Party



Following reports that the ashes of the recently deceased of Hull had been given to the wrong people, there is concern among Conservative Party members that they might be given the ashes of the most recent incarnation of the party, which was never a loved one.


Ethel de Haviland-Mosquito, a long time supporter of the Conservative Party, told Newsbiscuit she had commissioned a mausoleum to be built in her 1000-acre back garden, large enough to take all of her loved ones and had given the land in perpetuity to a trust that would accept the remains of ex-Tory MPs of no fixed grave; but has become alarmed at the prospect of it becoming a dumping ground for riff-raff Tory MPs from the Red Wall.


“I initially had the mausoleum created to hold family members, but realised that if I opened it up to be a final resting place for notable Tory MPs, I could charge an entrance fee for visitors to view the urns; and claim the gardening and maintenance costs off my tax bill.


John Major, David Gauke and Rory Stewart have asked if I can keep space available for them if they fall on hard times and had to rely on a state-paid paupers’ funeral, but I really don’t think they’ll want their ashes to be kept next to the hopeless incompetents in the current government; and it would be a disaster for the mausoleum’s business model if we don’t act to prevent it.


So that’s why I’ve started a campaign to ensure the police rigorously sift through the ashes of dead MPs, so we don’t end up with the likes of Lee Anderson or that seagull bloke in here. This isn’t just about attracting the right sort of MPs. The last thing we want is to have riff-raff such as the likes of northerners coming to Surrey to pay their respects.”



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